What about the Children?

I am filling out my medical history for tomorrow's appointment. Fuck. This is so real. Medical conditions and illnesses; surgical histories; anesthesia history; medications and dosages; family history; social history; current bra and cup size...

One of my fears about this whole process is that I'll be somehow letting my children down and warping their own healthy body image. I remember when I first became self-conscious: I was in Kindergarten. My son is 4. My daughter is 1. I feel like it's "safe" to have the surgery right now but if I wait, I might totally fuck up their psyche.

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My baby girl was was supposed to be named Anya. I still love that name. Anya. Anya Sophia. We were going to use the Russian spelling but I liked the Greek spelling Onya as well. We called her Anya for almost six months while she was in utero. It means "grace, favor" in Russian and "inexhaustible" in Sanskrit. When I was less than three weeks from the due date, I pulled the plug on a name I loved. Why? Because I know by age 12 she'll have a nice rack. Her 7th grade boobs will make college co-eds pissed that their Victoria's Secret miracle bra was a waste of money.

I could hear the cat calls of the future: Nice tits you got ANYA!

Some lanky limbed, sweaty boy with a whisper of a mustache, "I wanna get ON YA and fuck your tits."

She'll hear enough stupid comments about her budding breasts. I couldn't add to her adolescent misery by giving her a name that was the perfect fodder for asshole 14 year old boys. Fuck, for the asshole 45 year old guys who still think shit like that is funny even though you've got two half grown kids in tow (my mother was still receiving lewd comments about her tits in her early 50's from men her same age. I suppose I should be grateful I have good genes but enough already!).

I will feel like a successful mother if my daughter can make it through her teen years just liking her body. Of course I would rather she LOVE her body but even if she just LIKES it, I will consider that a success.

Like most mothers, I just want to do right by my kids. I try to walk the walk and show them how to love their body by loving my own. I don't call myself fat. I try to exercise and show them how important it is to get enough sleep, eat vegetables, and wash hands by doing the same things myself. What am I showing them by having plastic surgery?

My daughter is too young to be affected right now. My son is young enough and boys typically don't have the same body issues as girls. What if I wait a few more years? Am I more likely to impair my daughter's sense of self by having my breasts done when she's 5 or 8 or 12? Will my son be adversely affected?

Maybe this is a reason to have the surgery now: maybe I should have this surgery while my daughter is too young to internalize how she views her body. I don't want my decision to have plastic surgery to encourage my daughter to start a vicious cycle of self-loathing. She's too perfect and too beautiful just the way she is. She will have her own battles to face and enough nightmarish pubescent experiences without her mother adding to the mess.